I am hiding.
I admit it.
Hiding from reality.
Someone tried to convince me to go home this weekend,
but I just can't.
If I do I can't hide anymore.
Although I know that my life isn't the same anymore,
if I stay hidden, maybe I won't really have to face it.
It doesn't make sense.
It sounds crazy.
But it makes me feel better.
If I leave this cocoon, this prison,
then my new life will hit me hard.
Too hard.
No more of our regular routine.
No more healthy baby.
No more of our entire family
together
in our own home for a while.
That stinks.
That hurts.
That is why I am hiding.
Maybe this is a dream.
Maybe nobody will find me
and tell me that it isn't.
Don't burst my bubble just yet.
Let me be.
Let me stay hidden.
This week will be hard.
Life has to move forward.
It doesn't pause just because
we hit a bump.
It continuously moves forward.
Forever forward.
James goes back to work.
The boys will have spring break,
but then back to school.
Lance will enjoy everything a two-year old does,
but I,
I am stuck here.
I don't go back to normal.
Someone else is watching my babies at home,
while I watch my other baby here.
Not fair.
Not fair at all.
But she needs me and I desperately need her.
It still hurts though.
Deep and raw.
So let me stay hidden a while longer.
I promise I wil catch up.
I will be stronger.
I will be better.
I will be happy to see you all.
Today is my Friday.
And soon I will move forward to Saturday.
And then Sunday will dawn when it should.
But until then,
I will remain hidden.
Thank you for your love.
Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
you hide as long as you need to! that's a hard reality to face, and it is not fair! not fair that time goes on, and you can't hit pause and greive and catch your breath before you have to keep going. it's hard to imagine that the whole world doesn't just skip a beat when someone's world is shattered.
ReplyDeletesending love & prayers.
I was thinking about this exact thing the other day - how life continues and doesn't pause no matter what is going on. I wish I could pause it for a moment for you, help you take that deep breath through this all. I see such a testimony in you, and while you are going through this trial with your sweet family, you strengthen me through you and Evalette. Thank you for your sweet example, for your spirit, for sharing your thoughts, insights, feelings and testimony. Our family prays for you every day, I keep a prayer in my heart for the both of you as you tackle each day at a time. (((HUGS))) ♥ you!!!
ReplyDelete