Some. Quick. Thoughts.

Life is busy.
Holidays are around the corner.
Birthdays galore.
School started (homeschool 4 days a week and charter school one day).
Digging out the fall/winter clothes.
Putting away summer ones.
Getting ready to potty train a certain 2 1/2 year old.
Teaching the 18 month old to walk.
Serving in the ward primary just got crazy...
Primary program is coming up way too fast!
Many nurses' visits.
A trip to the hospital for a check up, EKG, an Echo, and a bone marrow aspirate.
Results in a week.
Many meetings with Evalette's doctors.
Still deciding on next course of action.
We should have a plan next week.
Praying for guidance in our decision.
Life is busy.
But oh so fulfilling.
Can I just say it is good to be home!
Oh did I mention...
we had an ultrasound in there somewhere.
We were very surprised to hear...
IT IS A BOY!
He certainly wasn't hiding it.  
We of course are thrilled, but were a bit shocked 
as we were certain it was a girl. 
But we certainly know how to do boys.
Our little boy already has a name (Enoch Joseph).
We have loved the name since after we had Tyrell, 
but have been waiting for the right time to use it. 
It holds very special meaning to us.
We can't wait to meet him soon...
Love you to the moon and back little baby.

FULL. HEART.

Tonight my heart is full.
We are home.
Tyrell's birthday is on Monday.
His wish came true.
Evalette and I are home for his birthday.
So happy that he got his wish.
As I drove past my house earlier tonight, on my way to run errands,
to prepare for a family birthday party tomorrow,
I couldn't help but smile.
Three crazy boys, dressed as a snowman,
spiderman, and a transformer/cowboy caught my eye
as they bounced happily away on the trampoline.
Then a little girl with a huge smile on her face jumping with her daddy,
watching her brothers brought tears to my eyes.
How blessed am I.
This is all I need.
This is all I want.
To be with my family.
And no matter what happens,
we get that promise of being together FOREVER.
Although we are in the process of making some big decisions
concerning Evalette's care and treatment,
we know we are being guided from on HIGH.
We cannot deny God's hand in our lives.
And we stand in awe at the many miracles he has wrought on our family's behalf.
We are praying for Evalette's doctor to have an open heart.
We are praying to know what to say and how to discuss our concerns when we met
with her doctor.
We are praying that it will be as it should, as God desires it.
But we are moving forward, knowing and being guided as to what is best for our daughter.
But with all that being said...
tonight, once again,
my heart is full.
FAMILIES ARE FOREVER
and my little family is simply wonderful!

Inpatient...

After a week break of being home, we were readmitted to finish the phase.  Her diaper rash cleared up, her counts were up, and her temperature was normal.  Back to our home on the hill.  Today has been 10 days since we got here.  The first five days were filled with chemo- 7 hours a day.  Evalette handled the chemo like a champ, with the help of our constant friend, Zofran.  Her appetite stayed the same and she surprised the doctors with how well she did.  We started calorie count on Monday because she hasn't gained weight.  She hasn't lost weight, but she isn't gaining so they were discussing a possible NG tube (feedings at night).  But they wanted to know how many calories she was getting a day.  I kept telling them that she seriously eats a ton and I was excited to show them how much she really eats.  It is crazy.  Tuesday, the dietician stopped by our room.  She was happy to report Evalette was getting 1200 calories a day, give or take.  Technically she only needs 750-800 a day.  She must just have a high metabolism like her daddy and mommy.  She was amazed.  We are trying to get as many calories in her as possible, through butter, Bright Beginning formula (adding it to oatmeal, potaoes, avocado), and anything else we can.  Seriously it is a full time job feeding Miss Evalette.  We started the neubogen shot on Sunday.  It helps boost her counts quicker.  Her counts bottomed out yesterday, so I am hopefully that we will see a stir by Saturday.  It would be nice to be home this weekend.  So we are just sitting around waiting for her counts to recover.  It is rather boring.  But boring is better than problems!   Not sure what the next phase looks like, as I haven't talked with a doctor for days.  Concentrating on taking one day at a time.

Tonight..

Tonight I feel
LONELY.
10 days...
It seems like an eternity.
It is kind of hard to describe.
And I am pretty sure if my sweet Evalette could express herself,
she would say the same thing-
she is lonely.
She lights up when we have visitors or when the nurse comes in our room.
It is too quiet around here in this little cell room.
I imagine this is what prison feels like.
Boxed in.
Plain, bland walls.
A window that shows a view of the world outside;
a blue sky,
racing cars,
green grass,
a bustling busy city,
people scurrying to their destinations,
It teases you and you ache to be apart of the real world again.
All day long, we read books,
we play,
we sing,
we dance, and
we rock-a-by,
but still there is this constant void.
We aren't home.
We are still prisoners;
literally locked in this tiny room.
There is no Tyrell, Jarom, Lance, or daddy to come play with us.
It makes the days long.
She doesn't want to sleep and either do I.
We just want to go home.
I am learning to be patient,
but somedays I just crack.
I miss my privacy of home,
our schedule,
our family dinners,
my hubby,
cooking,
being with all my children,
being in the sunshine,
sleeping in my own bed,
showering in my own clean shower.
Our hospital family is wonderful, but it gets exhausting
trying to constantly take care of Evalette.
I feel like I am constantly fixing or watching out for something that isn't right.
Whether it is a med that needs tweaking, or too much fluids, or something else.
At the hospital I become a different person..
Grouchy, irritable, and tired.
I just feel like I am constantly in boxing mode-
Hands up, gloves on...
ready to fight if needed.
I am my daughters advocate and she needs me.
The nurses try their best, but lately there have been some hiccups.
Hiccups that I won't discuss because I know they try their best
and this isn't to bash them or the doctors- just a vent of my feelings.
Just sometimes I think they forget that this is our life.
We sleep here,
we eat here,
we live here for sometimes weeks at a time.
Since Evalette was diagnosed 5 months ago, we have spent most of our time here.
No wonder they call it the "Isolation Unit".
Isolation indeed.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Venting is good.
Better than holding it in.
So now I will let it all go;
up and away in my imaginary balloon.
And pray that her counts begin to stir so that we are home by this weekend.
And although I would never change having "cancer" come into our lives,
sometimes it tries my patience to the core.
My soul gets weary,
my body shuts down,
and I just am plain tired.
Yet I know that God loves me.
I know he loves my little girl.
We are not alone.
Literally "our little prison cell" I am sure is always filled with angels aiding in our fight.
He also loves my little boys, who have been without a mother most of the summer
and he loves my amazing, wonderful husband who has manned the house and boys alone,
while still providing for us, for the last couple of months.
And this reminder of love, constant never-ending love,
renews my soul,
gives strength to my tired body,
and my energy returns.
We can do this.
We are being refined, sanded, and made into bright, shiny, polished better people.
Just sometimes the journey gets lonely.
And I get a little lost...
but I always know that we are loved.
Thank you for your prayers.
You are all angels.
We love you.
Here is to the different journeys we are all facing...
may we be strong!
WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!


Thank you to our recent visitors.  You have no idea how inspired your visit was.  Aunt Cathy, Uncle Larry, Shawn, Tannya, Aunt Anita, Uncle Corey, Nikki, and Reagan, thanks for taking time to see us.  Truly it brightened our day.  We have such wonderful family and friends.  And Aunt Anita those books were wonderful...through them I escaped into another world.  I finished them in a day and loved the subject line.  It was perfect.  God is good.  So happy to have you all in our lives!

BIG NEWS>

I have decided that our Heavenly Father has a sense of humor.  And although I do not understand the timing and big picture of things, one thing I know for sure is that HE is in charge.

I am happy to say...

#5 is on the way!!!

And although, this new addition was not planned, we are excited!  We are still unsure how it will all work with the cancer treatments and all, but we are sure it will work out as things always do. The boys are ecstatic and Jarom insists that we need to have two.  I insist the one is just fine (although two would be fun...Alise and I were fun, right mom!).  They hope it is a girl and are already deciding on a name; hilarious names that only they would come up with. They enjoy seeing the weekly update of how "their" baby is growing.  It is fun, it is exciting, it is a blessing to have something else to think about other than "cancer".  Although throwing up and having morning sickness while staying in the hospital isn't very fun.  Thank goodness, we are mostly past that!  I am currently 17 1/2 (yes, that 1/2 is very important) weeks along. That means FEB 10th is the estimated date of arrival! We will be finding out this month, what our special baby is...a boy or girl.  Oh the crazy, fun life we lead.  I am grateful everyday for all that I have...especially my wonderful children.  One more is a blessing indeed.  Keeping kicking little baby...can't wait to hold you in my arms!  

I will tell you what...trying to get four little children to look at the camera at the same time in a quick photo shoot, nearly impossible, but oh they are so CUTE!!

No more hiding it...there certainly is a baby bump!