Happy. Heart.

The last couple of days have been amazing.

Heavenly Father heard the cry of a weary, tired mother 

pleading in behalf of her child

and reminded her that all is well and 

that her baby is still there.

Evalette has been her normal, happy, sweet self since Thursday.

She has loved playing with her brothers.

She laughs with them and at them,

follows them around (crawls after them),

and allows them to touch her and pick her up.

They are happy and so am I.

She is eating all day long and I am pretty sure has gained weight!

She glows and smiles from ear to ear.

Instead of crying, we hear her laughing all the time.

She has more energy.

And is content to play on the floor with her toys

while mommy tries to catch up on life.

 She loved the fireworks we did on Pioneer Day.

And so did everyone else.

She clapped and clapped.

She just learned to do high 5's and loves to high 5 all day long.

She has been walking while holding our hands.

And she loves her shoes.

Maybe she will walk soon.

She does start another phase of chemo on Friday, 

but hopefully she doesn't regress.  

Last Thursday we found out that she didn't make count.

ANC ZERO once again.

It has to be 750 to start the phase.

So the beginning of phase 4 got pushed back another week.

Good and bad.

On Friday, she was flirting with a low grade fever.

Between the boys and I's prayers,

her fever never reached the point where she needed to go to the hospital.

She was happy, eating, and seemed normal.

Heavenly Father heard our prayers again.

All weekend she stayed in the 99-100 degree range.

Not super high, but higher than normal.

So we spent time as a family.

She loved the bike rides.

And we played out in the rain.

Today, after having 7-10 poopy diapers a day for over a week and 

her slightly higher than normal temp, I called the hospital.

Tomorrow we will find out if she has C-diff.

But all in all, our baby girl is happy.

She is well. 

And she is smiling and laughing again.

This momma has a happy heart!!!

Love Momma

Dear Precious Evalette-
Today I am feeling sad.
You  haven't been yourself lately.
When you are awake you are grumpy, whine, cry, and want to be held all the time.
You won't let your brothers come near you.
That is hard.
You are also especially tired.
You have been taking three naps a day.
That worries me a bit.
I don't blame you for being grumpy.
Your little body is going through so much.
That is why I am sad.

You should be running with Lance.
You two should be into mischief together.
Two peas in a pod.
But instead you refuse to walk.
You won't even try.
You cry or say "owe" when we stand you up on your legs.
Chemo and steroids do that.
Bone and muscle aches are normal they say.
I say they are not.
Side effects yes, but normal no.
They say not to push you and I don't.
I don't want to cause you more pain,
but still I long to see the day when you run,
when you walk beside me hand in hand,
and to hear the pitter pat of your tiny steps.
I want you to experience life fully,
but it seems like lately you are somewhere else.
The boys and I were looking at old pictures today.
They love to see their baby pictures.
I flipped through the day you were born,

then your newborn days-
such a beautiful baby,

first smiles....yours was the best,

Your first trip...lucky you, you went to Mexico ( 5 months old)

































then your first bite of food,

































then onto crawling,















And sitting up,






































Your first Valentines Day,

 And finally standing and attempting to walk.
Your hair was growing and soon you would be 1!
Just one week before you were diagnosed with cancer.

In every picture, you shined.
You smiled and glowed.
It hurt to look.
I miss you Baby Girl.
I know you are still there, but I long for my Miss Happy to come back.
Tonight, I held you.
Rocked you and rocked you.
I tried to rock our pain away,
yours physical,
mine emotional and mental.
Tears came from me of course
and they came hard.
Maybe we could hide.
Maybe we could run away.
Maybe they would just leave us alone
and maybe we would not have to poison your body ever again.
Lets pretend.
Lets hide away for a bit.
Collect ourselves and then come back again.
I sang primary songs
and you feel asleep in my lap.
I know the treatments are meant for good.
But it is so hard to see what they do to you.
The cancer is gone from your tiny body,
but in fear of some possible future relapse we must continue on.
Continue to make you suffer,
continue to poison your body,
then let it break down,
slowly recover, and
then do it all over again.
Two years.
4 months down...many to go.
My strong girl...we will be ok.
I feel better now.
Better to let feelings out,
then keep them in.
We are safe,
we are strong,
and angels surround us in our valiant quest.
God is with us,
our constant guide,
and ever loving father.
Truly he has blessed us with endless miracles and love.
You have taught me so much, my daughter.
Thank you.
Push on, baby girl.
Push hard...we all love you.
Fight and conquer.
Soon we will run,
play, and
look back on past days thanking God for all we learned.
I will be here to hold you for as long as you need.

Shine on, Baby Girl.
Shine on.
Love and Light,
Momma

Let us be KIND.

Dear IHC Home Delivery Man-
Tonight you called, angry and upset.
I wasn't home to get my delivery of meds.
How inconsiderate of me.
When I tried to explain that I had no idea that a delivery was coming...you wouldn't listen.
How could I have not known...you said.
"I am on my way home right now just minutes away," I said.
"I can't wait," You replied.
"Your neighbor will have it!" and you hung up.
I couldn't believe it.
You really were quite rude.
So since you didn't give me a chance to explain,
I will let you know (vent) here.
Today was the first day in a while that my daughter (you know the one that has cancer)
and I had been out of the house.
The first day, we didn't have a nurse coming, or a doctor to see, or were hiding away from people because her counts were too low.
Today was the day, we got out.
Out to the mountains to visit her brothers, her dad, and her cousins were they had been camping.
Just for a couple of hours.
I didn't realize I wouldn't have reception.
I received your call at 9 pm, as soon as we entered civilization again.
I didn't even have time to listen to any messages...
not a chance to hear the one from the pharmacist where he explained that he had decided to send us extra meds.
So I apologize that I wasn't home.
I apologize that it was so difficult to drop it by our neighbors.
I apologize for your rough day.
I just have one last thing to say.
Everyone has trials.
I am sure that you have yours- whether health, financial, family or whatever.
We all have difficult things that we are going through.
So I don't know what you have going on,
but I sincerely hope that tomorrow is better for you.
Since we can't know what is going on in each other's lives, may I say one thing...
Let us be KIND to one another.
Lots of times you don't know the whole story, as I don't with you and you didn't with me.
So lets not judge or quarrel.
Lets be kind.
Here is to a better day tomorrow.
Best regards,
the mom you just chewed out.

HOME and STEROIDS

Last weekend, we spent it at the hospital.
Fever, antibiotics, and the go around.
Her ANC was ZERO!
Which we were told to plan on staying until her counts started going up.
But amazingly enough, since our princess didn't have a fever at all,
the entire time we were at the hospital,
the weekend doctor send us home.
He said that it was up to me, as long as I was comfortable
since her counts were nonexistent right then.
I was more then comfortable and away we went.
Sunday afternoon we were home.
Another miracle.
Another blessing.
Tuesday, we had outpatient up at Primary's.
Evalette's regular doctor was surprised that Evalette looked so good.
She had planned on admitting us that day, but since they had let us go home
after a fever just after two days, she won't keep us this time for count recovery.
Yeah!
So a lumbar puncture and a push of vincristine (chemo)
and we were home again.
So since she has been neutropenic (no infection fighting cells or white blood cells),
we have kept to the house.
Her brothers have kept her entertained.
We started steroids on Tuesday and have had some up and down days.
Also still giving her the wonderful leg shot to help boost her numbers quicker.
Oh the life.
But we are so glad to be home.
The plan is to start phase 4 on Friday, the 25th.
August is filled with hospital stays.
We will enjoy home while we can!