—Russell M. Nelson, “Jesus Christ—the Master Healer,” Ensign, Nov. 2005, 86
People have been asking me
"How are you doing"
to which I reply,
"Doing very well."
I feel that I have gotten used to our
"NEW NORMAL".
We have a routine.
We do what we have to do.
We see a bright future.
"I am doing well."
But then a couple of days ago, I did something that tipped me over the edge a bit.
I read our family blog.
I love that blog.
It is the place I poured out my heart for 5 years.
Jarom's birth,
Tyrell's first owie,
Our first house,
Our family trips,
my third pregnancy,
the birth of our third son, Lance,
a NICU stay,
our moves,
our fun, crazy, exciting,
never boring life.
It was all there.
My last couple of posts
were about us as a family,
at home together;
laughing,
playing,
dealing with four little children (ages 6 and under),
the ups and downs,
but still we were together loving life.
I cried,
ok lets be honest here,
I sobbed.
Oh how I missed and ached to go back
and to relive those memories.
Now I was here,
miles away from home with Evalette.
The boys and daddy were at home,
separated from us.
How is that fair?
We are family.
We were supposed to be together.
My heart ached, literally ached.
I just couldn't bear it.
But I couldn't deal with it now.
Much had to be done.
I shook it off,
shut the laptop,
pushed away my emotions and confusion,
and went to take care of my baby.
She needed me and I desperately needed her.
That night, we skyped like usual.
I struggled to keep my composure as I watched my boys.
I missed them.
I needed them.
They missed me.
They needed me.
I watched them as they laughed, talked, and told me about their day.
I ached to pull their little bodies next to mine.
To rub their tender heads,
to whisper words of love in their ears,
to sing them their lullabies,
to tuck them snug in their beds,
and to be there when they woke up the next morning.
I was/am their mother.
But instead I was away.
Their daddy was mommy and daddy at night.
Their wonderful aunts and grandma were their mommies during the day.
Because their mommy was gone.
It hurt.
I cried again as we said goodbye.
The emotions I had held at bay for 3 weeks, broke.
I longed to be home with my entire family;
all of us together.
Just as it was before.
The realization that our life was different hit me hard.
For the next two years, we would be different.
Evalette and mommy at the hospital.
Daddy and the boys at home.
I understand that that was the way it needed to be.
But it didn't make the hurt, the pain, and ache go away.
I needed my family, my entire family.
More than anything, since I can remember
I had wanted to be a mother.
People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would say,
"A mom."
Simple as that.
And now I could only be a mother to one of my precious children.
Even though I knew that my boys were being mothered just fine right now,
I still felt guilty for not being the one doing the mothering.
Just like my dad said,
the guilt hit me like a rock.
They needed me and I had promised to be there always and I wasn't.
Today, they come up to visit.
I met them outside as they pulled up.
I ran to them, my arms opened wide.
I embraced them, kissed them, hugged them close.
My heart hurt less and my arms felt full again.
I was already dreading the time when we were separated again.
I took my boys to lunch while Daddy played with his princess.
The hospital staff would comment as we passed;
they were so good,
so well behaved,
such a handsome bunch.
I was proud.
A young couple sat next to us.
We chatted and exchanged stories of why we were here.
A while later, as the couple left,
the woman touched my shoulder and said,
"I just have to tell you good luck and
that I can tell that you are a very good mother."
Your boys adore you and you them.
You are such a good mother."
My eyes filled with tears and I thanked her.
Her words had meant to much.
I am a good mother.
And I can still be a good mother to my boys while I am away.
I was encouraged.
I was reminded that I can do this.
I CAN DO HARD THINGS.
We are blessed.
And although we are apart,
we will be together soon.
We love each other and that doesn't change no matter where we are or what is going on.
We all feel that.
Soon it was time to go,
I gathered my boys around me and reminded them of my love.
"How much do I love you?" I asked
"Forever and Always!" they answered.
I have told them that every night since they were born.
They know I love them.
They know I will be home soon.
And when I leave again that I will come back.
They are safe,
they are loved,
and they are being watched over.
I can still be their mother from afar.
So I am a work in progress.
Learning to let go.
To let go of control.
To let go of guilt.
To let go and
to trust
and to let us be guided by HIM who knows us best.
Letting go.
Letting go.
I am letting go.
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