Dale Carnegie
One of the most hardest things of this whole experience is that my sweet baby has gone missing. Instead of her sweet smile, a scowl usually adorns her face.
She rarely laughs anymore.
It is a sweet moment when she does.
She is constantly watching;
her eyes dart across the room constantly,
waiting and watching the nurses and doctors.
Afraid of them touching her.
She seems sad.
It breaks my heart.
She is just different now.
The baby I knew,
laughed and giggled endlessly.
A smile always lit up her face.
She jabbered and gibbered to us all the time.
She never cried and was so content.
Such a special girl.
And she still is.
You can feel it from her and there is no doubt that
I still absolutely love her,
but it is hard to see such a change in her.
From what I am told it is a side effect of the steroids.
Nasty steroids.
Tomorrow is her last day on them for a while.
Hopefully she can relax and let go.
And come back.
This week has been hard.
She is agitated again.
She is wired.
She can't relax.
She can't seem to sleep very well.
She seems to be on overdrive.
I ache for my sweet baby.
Oh how she must feel.
All I can do is tenderly care for her.
Rock her,
Sing to her,
whisper words of encouragement into her little ears,
look into her eyes and tell her that I love her,
that all is well,
that she is strong,
that she is safe.
She needs me.
I am her constant,
her stability,
and her rock.
Weeks ago, when we first got admitted to the hospital,
when she first started the steroids she went through a rough time.
It was hard for me.
One time when she won't settle down at 4 am,
I held her in my arms,
tight against my chest,
and sang primary songs in her ear.
Silently, I prayed to my Heavenly Father
to give me strength,
to give me understanding,
to help me know how to help her best.
Suddenly the words from Australia, one of my favorite movies, came to mind.
"I sing you to me Mrs. Boss..."
"And I will hear you my love."
The words tenderly exchanged between 2 of the main characters
as they were forcibly being separated.
I felt strongly that my sweet little girl's spirit was off somewhere else;
playing,
dancing,
singing,
smiling,
and laughing.
She was safe.
She was happy.
And that I was here to take care of her body,
to help it heal,
to provide the necessary tools for it to be well again.
Until then she would be taken care of and kept safe for me.
She didn't and won't have to feel all the pain,
the confusion,
and the heartache from the cancer overtaking her body.
Or from the side effects of the strong medications she was being subjected to.
So I told my Evalette that I was here,
waiting for her to return when she was ready to.
That I would sing her to me
and that she would hear me and know that I was there.
So I think of that when she is away,
when she isn't herself, and struggles with the effects of the meds.
I sing softly to her and know that she hears me.
Sometimes,
sometimes she comes back to me.
And I am blessed to see my sweet little baby again.
She smiles, she laughs, she comes home to me.
I cherish those moments.
And sometimes she will put her hands on my face,
crinkle her little nose,
and put her forehead against mine.
And we connect on a deep level;
Soul to Soul,
Heart to Heart.
Mother and Daughter.
Friends.
It is so special to me.
So sacred.
I thank my Heavenly Father for giving me those special times.
Those times give my strength
and remind me of that all is well and
things are as they should be.
And that HE, our ever loving Father is taking care of both of us.
The other day, we were building blocks on her bed.
Suddenly she put her arms around my shoulders,
one hand clasped my hair,
while the other little hand patted my back,
and she pressed her sweet face into my shoulder.
And she didn't let go for over 5 minutes.
She most of known that I needed her.
She wanted to comfort me.
The little sweetie.
Then she hugged and kissed me and
she let me take pictures of our moment together....
well I did my best.
Happiness radiated from her eyes.
I love it when she comes back to me.
I am grateful for family members on the other side
that are helping take care of my little girl.
I am grateful for their strength and love.
To my sweet baby,
I will sing you to me
and I know that you will hear me.
Know that I love you,
know that I am making sure you are getting the best care,
and know that I know that you are strong and that you can do this.
And when you are ready and things are safe,
come back to me completely,
I am waiting with arms opened wide.
I love you!
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