What Cancer Has Taught Me...

BEFORE- MAPLETON BARN OCT 2012

 A year and a half ago, our lives drastically changed.
We entered a new normal of sorts.
Hospitals stays, tons of crazy meds,
doctors visits, the home health nurse was daily visitor,
and most of my daughter's and my life was spend at the hospital.
I wasn't sure how I could handle it all…such a drastic change.
Now, life is beginning to become as it was "before cancer".
And yet, we are not the same.
We are forever changed.

Cancer taught us things that we could have not learned otherwise.
I know my Heavenly Father at a greater level then ever before,
I understand pain, anguish, and love more then I ever imagined possible.
I now know more medical jargon than I ever wanted,
and I now know that my family is the most important thing in the world.
Cancer changed our life in so many ways,
there were tears, but there was also growth.
And now after all that has passed, I can truly say that I wouldn't change a thing.
Now don't misunderstand me,
I don't mean that I enjoyed seeing my daughter suffer, or liked watching her endure great pain,
and that leaving my family was easy,
but the things that were learned from the great experience were great things indeed.
I learned to live in the present.
Every moment is great.
Every moment needs to be lived.
Every second of every day….every little moment.
We need to let go of yesterday, forget our wishes and wants of tomorrow
and live for today.
We can make plans for the future and enjoy memories of the past,
but most of the time this very second needs present living.
Life is much happier that way.
Our focus needs to be in the now.
Life is a wonderful thing…if we can live in the moment.
I have come to see the beauty of every moment.
Secondly, I have a greater knowledge that I am not in control.
My entire life, I have strived to control.
I like to plan, then execute it, and make it happen.
We are a structured family….it runs smoother that way.
Well, cancer was not part of my plan.
But I soon learned through much anguish and fighting on my part,
that my God loves me.
He is in control.
I never have been.
Silly me.
And who better to be in control then he.
He wants to help me.
He wants to guide me.
He wants to see me grow and learn.
He wants me to let go.
He loves me and has never left my side.
I just thought I needed to be in control.
When in reality, I was wasting my energy.
There is a plan and nothing is coincidence.
He is our guide and if we let him,
He can safely get us though all the raging storms
and the aching questions of this mortal life.
This being said, you may ask, but your daughter lived,
maybe you wouldn't be saying this if she had been "called home".
Maybe you are right, but I hope that from learning to trust God during this journey,
I would have trusted him enough to remember that all things happen according to his will.
Once again, nothing is coincidence and everything happens for a reason.
There is no use fighting against it….God has a plan!
So I am grateful my daughter is in remission.
Grateful, he answered our prayers and allowed her to live and thrive.
But our future, unknown to us, is in his hands and there I am letting it stay.
I also learned that I can do HARD THINGS!
If I would have known that my family had to endure this trial of cancer,
years before it came to us, I would have said "no way…I don't want it…
I can't handle that".
But with God, anything is possible.
I learned that even though our little family felt beaten down, torn, tired, discouraged,
and alone that we could do it.
With the help of a loving Heavenly Father, wonderful family, and amazing friends,
we have made it through.
We can all do hard things.
 I now know that miracles occur around us everyday.
Miracles are still happening.  
God does hear and answer our prayers.
He is perfect and answers them in a perfect way.
Sometimes our limited understanding due to being a natural man gets in the way
of seeing how perfect the answers are.
But everything that happens to us is all part of a greater plan then we can currently see.
I now try to see things with a greater eternal perspective.
And finally, LOVE is the ultimate healer.
Love makes everything possible.
Our Heavenly Father is love and our perfect example.
He showers his love upon us everyday.
We just need to try to see it.
LOVE, 
kindness,
selflessness,
charity,
peace,
and all things pertaining to love are so important.
And I try to show more love now because we all need more of it.
This world needs more of it.
We never know how much we can touch someone's life because of some caring, kind words
or a simple act of charity.
You have all taught me that.
Thank you.

Now that the biggest part of our cancer journey is over, I am finding another norm.
This time, with a better understanding, but certainly not perfect, then before.
This time with new goals and a greater perspective in mind.
This time, God has given us the gift of cancer to bring us to our current place.
We are better and we are changed.
And we are grateful.

NOW-  MAPLETON BARN OCT 2014

A. Little. Story.

It has been a while.
I have been updating our family blog since it got sorely neglected
while the intense treatment for Evalette was going on.
But tonight, I have some feelings to share.
A story if you will…just a short one that needs to be written.

Yesterday was a crazy day.
Enoch had a fever….his first.
He was burning hot and cranky.
Not that I can blame him.
Evalette was sensitive and cranky.
She hasn't been sleeping well and
we are certain has some sensory issues from her cancer experiences.
She will scream if her toys get touched or if something isn't exactly as she wants it.
Some days are ok and she is her sweet self.
And then there are other days were she just is so sensitive, especially when she isn't sleeping.
And today was an extremely sensitive day.
And Lance was being a teaser….oh boy.
Not mention he was also cranky.
Do you notice a trend here?
I certainly do.
Lance was feeling like he needed some attention.
I was a little busy with a fussy sick baby and a sensitive, over tired girl.
I can't blame him either.
Thank goodness I had my big helpers, Tyrell and Jarom.
By the time James walked in the door, I was going crazy.
I warned him about the day I had had and that I was at the edge of my sanity.
I explained that I wasn't sure I was even a person anymore…
I hadn't even looked in the mirror all day.
I was feeling sorry for myself and was worn out.
I had tried to stay positive, but I wanted to curl up in a ball in a corner and never come out.
So I took a drive and cleared my head.
And remembered that I was indeed a person, not just a nurse, a maid, and a referee.
I counted my blessings and came home.
I still felt a bit down, but felt a bit better.

Today, I was determined to get back into the groove of things.
This morning on Facebook, I had a friend request from a friend that I had hadn't seen or spoken to in over a year.
I was excited.
It was a dear friend that I had met at the hospital when Evalette was first diagnosed.
She was such a strength to me during that time.
I was so excited.
She sent me to her blog to read her most recent post.
It touched me so much.
I cried and cried.
This is what I needed today.
A reminder that I was needed.
I had helped someone.
I was remembered.
I was loved.
And that God hadn't forgotten me.
He sent me a miracle and reminded me of who I am.
Here is her post….

Thursday, October 23, 2014

"Tell Me a Miracle"
As my dad got home from work yesterday, he sat down on the couch to tell my mom about his day when she said to him: "Tell me about a miracle you witnessed today." A little caught off guard, he said he couldn't think of one right away. They continued to recap their day to each other while my mom began looking for a friend's blog online. She couldn't remember the exact web address so she was typing random things in Google with the hope that she would come across it. Not more than one minute later, she found a blog she had never seen before but the title of the blog intrigued her so she clicked on the link. The link took her to a post from back in June of 2013 so she began to read. About midway through this fairly long post, the writer quoted George Q. Cannon and my mom immediately thought: "This is my miracle. I need to read this to Liz." The quote said: 

"The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by and by."

Logan and I and our families are doing quite well right now but it's always comforting to hear words like those of George Q. Cannon's. My mom made a mental note to call me later and tell me about the quote and then continued reading. Thinking she had already received her miracle by stumbling upon this quote she thought was perfect for me, she wasn't quite prepared for what she read next:

"Today was our first day back at the hospital...since four days ago. We sure do love this place (I wish you could hear the sarcastic tone in my voice). As we settled into our new room (actually it is our old room 4413- they save it for us!) and got back into our regular hospital routine, I found myself scanning the names on each door. Looking for friends and wondering about how they came to be here. So many families, so many children, so many stories. Then I begin to think about Logan and Liz. Their name is no longer on the board, they got moved to the second floor. Little Eli needed some extra attention. I then hoped that I will see them soon; maybe in the cafeteria, in the laundry room, or down the hall. My good friends. Our day drags on with chemo, vomiting, pain meds, rocking in our chair and then more chemo, more vomiting, more pain meds and rocking in our chair some more. Oh my little girl, hang in there we can do this. We can do hard things. Finally she fells asleep, exhausted from it all. Sweet soft cheeks, sparse, yet long eyelashes, and perfect lips. Oh how I adore her.

I think of Liz and Logan again. I hadn't seen them yet. I was getting ansy. I had to know how my friends were. So I pulled up their blog...and wasn't prepared for the news I read. Sweet baby Eli had received his angel wings last Saturday while we were at the hospital. My heart broke and I sobbed. How could I have not known? We were right there and I wasn't there to help ease their burden. My mind raced back to our month together, right after my baby was diagnosed with cancer. Liz and I became instant friends. It wasn't hard to talk to Liz. She always had a smile on her face. And even though her baby was in critical condition and struggling to live, she would always ask how we were doing. She and Logan never complained and never asked why. Such amazing people. Why them? Why did their son have to die? Out of anyone, they deserved to have their child live. It isn't fair that my child is asleep next to me, stable and well, while they had to walk out of the hospital with empty arms. My heart aches. How can this be? All I know is hug your babies close. Time is precious. Going to snuggle with my sleeping angel...and to think and pray. To Liz, Logan, and amazing Eli you have changed my life forever. Thank you for all you have taught me. Sending peace and love your way!"

Sweet Danielle. I haven't spoken to her since we left the hospital and I somehow never knew she kept a blog. Danielle is right, we became fast friends. She was an angel to me during our months in the hospital. We connected quickly and I loved talking to her. She exuded great strength that I tried to mimic during our difficult days. Her sweet princess is in remission now and that brings such happiness to my heart. I love hearing about these warrior children that are able to make it through. Eli could have if it was part of God's plan. It wasn't, obviously, but I'm so glad it was part of God's plan for Evalette to stay here with her family. **If you're interested in reading that whole post, click HERE. She talks about our Eli a little bit more at the end. Follow her daughter's story as well. They're an amazing family!**

I love that my mom asked for a miracle and was prepared to receive it. I needed to hear those words and feel so grateful that Heavenly Father was so mindful of that.

Although, Liz says I was her miracle, she was mine.
I needed to know that I was more than a run down house wife,
a busy mom, and a tired woman.
I am needed.
Thank you, Liz.
Once again, you have blessed my life.  

The month of May- MIRACLES AND ANGELS

This blog has been quiet as of late.
But our little family has been pretty busy.
I have had good intentions of posting on here,
but those good intentions never did get done.
So tonight, I am doing it!

There isn't a good way for me to express my love and appreciation for all our angels, friends,

and cheerleaders, 

but know how much I love you.

How grateful I am for your love, concern, your selfless acts of kindness, 

money contributions, meals, and thoughtful prayers.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

May was a busy, crazy, pull out your hair kind of a month.
It was the first week of May that Evalette started acting funny.
She would keep her food in her mouth for hours.
She was so picky and would only eat certain things.
She was cranky, ornery, and just so sensitive.
I just hoped it would pass...teething and you know normal two year old things.
But the next Saturday, she was worse.
I remember telling my brother that I was worried.
So worried that she had relapsed.
They say relapse starts exactly the way the cancer started.
The symptoms are exactly the same.
And she was acting just like she had almost one year before.
A couple of days before she was diagnosed with cancer.
I was trying to stay calm, but I didn't know what to do.
Evalette wasn't eating, literally she had a few bites of food a day.
She would sleep for hours.
She was so exhausted, so exhausted that when she was awake she would lay on the ground,
or in my arms,
or on the couch with her blankets.
She won't play, talk much, or interact.
She was on the warm side...not feverish, but slightly warm to the touch.
She looked horribly pale.
And she was losing weight fast.
And she had no extra weight to lose.
It was horrible to see her this way.
And she needed 24/7 care, so James and I took care of her round the clock.
We didn't know what to do.
So I asked for our family, friends, and all of her wonderful cheerleaders to pray for her
and for us.
We so desperately needed answers and miracles.
Thank you to all of you that aided us with your love, prayers, kind words, and positive energy.
They made a difference!
After much prayer, we decided to take her to an InstaCare, the third weekend in May.
They didn't know what was wrong.
They tried to get a blood draw for a CBC, but couldn't because she was too dehydrated.
They gave us two options,
go to the hospital now and get admitted,
or wait until tomorrow and take her in then.
So we waited.
I just couldn't admit her...she had seen too much of hospitals in her short life.
Monday came and James took her in.
Good news....her blood work looked normal.
It was good news, but I was still so worried.
She still was very sick.
It certainly seemed like relapse.
We still had no answers as to what was wrong.
More news came on Monday.
We had to move.
Now that is a long story and no need to rehash it here,
so it will do to say...we had until Thursday to move into our new place.
AHHHHH!
I remember thinking and wondering how I would do it all...
a very sick child,
a newborn baby,
three growing, active boys,
an entire house to pack up and then clean,
mail to be forwarded,
addresses to change,
wonderful friends to see and say goodbye to,
and just so much to do.
How could I do it all?
I am not sure how because I am pretty sure I didn't really tell anyone of our current struggles,
but somehow word got out.
Soon meals were being brought in for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday so I could pack and not cook.
What a blessing!
James took the rest of the week off and he became Evalette's personal nurse.
He was an angel for me that week and an angel for her.
He loving feed her every hour, held her, rocked her, and sang songs to her.
She needed his love and his one on one attention.
On Wednesday, James took Evalette to her doctor here in Springville.
She was extremely concerned.
She gave us an antibiotic, looked at her lab results, and worked with Primary's.
We talked feeding tubes, a possible hospital stay, and what we could do to get her better.
In light of our current situation, it was determined to wait and to see if she could get better on her own.
We were told to come back on Friday and have her reassessed.
While daddy watched over Evalette,
The boys and I packed, or well I did.
They unpacked everything I packed!!!
But we got it done.
Soon moving day came, I was so torn.
I need to help James get things loaded and ready to move, but I couldn't leave my Evalette.
And once again, so many sweet people offered their aid, but I decided she would be most comfortable at my sister's home.
Jessica, my older sister, has been my angel many times.
She took all of my children and reassured me that all would be well.
And I knew it would.
So James and I spent the morning finishing up some small things and starting to load up some things.
We wanted to take a load that afternoon and then one later that night.
As the afternoon went on, we realized it was taking us more time than we thought.
So I prayed for another miracle, that an angel would come and help us.
And an angel came.
A wonderful 18 year old boy in our ward came over.
He noticed the truck and wondered if we needed help.
We sure did.
He and James loaded up the truck in record time.
He made sure that James had someone to help him unload the truck at our new place
before he left after the truck was full.
He never complained even though the boxes and furniture he loaded were very heavy.
He was our angel.
McCabe, thank you.
Then James' brothers and dad showed up.
They helped us with unload that first load.
It wasn't easy and we were so grateful.
It was about this time, that I was wanted to set fire to the rest of our stuff....moving a family of seven isn't easy.
But they kept going.
We got back to the house and some wonderful men from our street showed up to help us with the last load.
They were wonderful.
Some were as young as 11 years old and some were as old as 70.
I couldn't believe it.
And then we took the next load to our new place and with the help with some wonderful family members by 11, we were done.
Jess kept the kids for the night and James and I crashed.
When we went to pick up the kids the next morning, I was surprised to hear that Evalette was doing a bit better.
She had ate some homemade yogurt that Jess had made.
She had played some and walked around a little bit.
I was grateful for my sisters loving care and that she loved my children like her own.
But the miracles didn't stop there.
Friday came and our new place was a wreck.
And I still had our old place to clean.
Evalette still needed lots of care.
And I was still slightly overwhelmed.
Jess watched the kids while I went back to clean.
James' sister, Shar came to help me.
I didn't think it would take long, but I was wrong it took most the day.
My wonderful neighbor and dear friend Maria came by.
She noticed the cleaning and had come to help.
She made the cleaning fun as we talked and reminisced about serving in the Primary Presidency together.
Oh how I love Maria.
She had so much to do but was there helping me.
Thank you Maria and Shar.
Soon the house sparkled and I said goodbye.
It was time to move on...
My parents called.
they had just gotten back from my dad's business trip the night before.
They were now on their way to Utah.
I told them to go home and to rest after their long trip,
but three hours later, they were at my door
and then I cried.
More angels, more miracles.
More help and love than I had ever imagined.
My parents got to work like they always do.
The boys felt loved,
Evalette had her "bompa" and "wamma".
I felt like a load had been taken of my shoulders.
They hung my pictures, put my kitchen together so we could at least eat,
helped make beds and hang clothes.
They watched Evalette on Sunday so we could go to church.
They made homemade yogurt for Evalette, which she gobbled up, so she could have something to eat.
And then they showed me how to make it.
They never complained even though I am sure they were dead tired.
Oh my wonderful angels.
My examples, my sweet parents.
How I hope to be like them someday.
I cried Sunday night, as we waved them goodbye as they drove away back to Idaho.
The month of May continued on and the last week came and went.
And I have to admit, I was not sad to say goodbye to May 2014.
But things were getting better by the end.
During the last week of May, Evalette finally starting eating more.
She began to play with her brothers again.
And her cheeks starting pinking up again.
She was getting better.
The doctors were not sure what had been wrong, but we were all so grateful!


Now in June,
we are settled.
New grass has been planted in the backyard,
a garden is beginning to sprout in the back,
weeds that were once in the front flower bed are now gone,
there are no boxes randomly hanging out in my house
(only a few in the garage!),
the drawers are organized (and will be in disarray soon I am sure),
the kids are growing and happy with our new place,
new friends are being made (although we miss our old ones),
we make yogurt twice a week as it is now Evalette's favorite snack,
Enoch is getting to be such a big boy,
the boys live in the swimming pool in the back yard and are becoming fish,
we are loving the country air ( I swear it is cleaner out here),
we have been camping twice, fishing once, and hiking a bunch of times,
and summer just keeps getting better.
I am still grateful for the miracles we experience
and for all the angels we have in our lives everyday.
And especially that this summer we are all together.
Doing normal summer things, together.
Just as a family should.

OUR JOURNEY

has been just this….

A CELEBRATION OF LIFE!!

We celebrated Evalette's birthday with as much fanfare as possible.
"Icing Smiles", a non profit organization, arranged for a local baker  to make Evalette a huge amazing birthday cake.
And in whatever theme she wanted…FROZEN of course.




















So on the 12th of April, we gathered with our family at our home
and celebrated LIFE.
Her life.
And welcomed in her new little brother, as he was getting blessed in our church the next day.

































Two beautiful little lives.
Such blessings.
She loved the attention.
And she loved her cake.
And she loved her presents.
And she loved it all!!!
And we loved watching her take it all and seeing her beautiful smile!!

I found this little dress and knew she had to wear it on her birthday.
She is a SUPERWOMAN!!!
And she has conquered it all!!

Did I Tell You?

Did I tell you that I have…
A NEW BABY BROTHER.
Enoch.

And I just love him.
He is now 2 months old.
I like to tell mommy when he wakes up from his nap
and is crying.
"He cry mommy…he cry."
I say over and over again, until she goes and picks him up.
I am his "other mommy"!
Mommy says life is good.
I am home and doing well.
Enoch is here and a great baby.
And she isn't pregnant and living at the hospital any more.
Plenty of reasons to celebrate!!!

SHE TURNED TWO!

Our little sweetheart turned TWO last week.
Our hearts are full.
And we were so happy to celebrate her birthday with all of us at home.
It was simple, but she was happy.
On the 12th we are having a big family party.


























































Happy, Happy Birthday Evalette!
Evalette is our super sweet, yet spirited girl.
She has an opinion and she will let it be known when needed.
Our little feisty pants.
But yet she is quick to give huge hugs, complete with her patting your back and hair.
She loves shoes and loves to pick out a pair to wear each day,
hers or mommys, it doesn't matter.
And picking out her daily or multiple outfits of the day.
Oh how she loves to get all "pretty" and makes sure she has a bow in her hair.
She loves to takes naps with her minnie, mickey, a baby or two, a couple of books, and a random toy in  her bed with her.
She usually falls asleep reading her book.
Her facial expressions are the best.
She has so many.
She is very animated.
She loves her baby dolls, and especially her Minnie and Mickey.
She adores anything MINNIE.
Or anything from FROZEN for that matter.
She loves to burst out in song, "Let It Go"
and it is so cute to hear her sing.
Many times a day, she will go to the CD player and
beg for us to turn the music on.
She loves to dance and her brothers love to dance with her.
It is a favorite thing of mine to watch them all dancing together.
She is fantastic at talking.
Seriously, she can speak extremely well for her age.
She loves to say "thank you", "please",  "Hi" to everyone, and everything else.
She is already talking in small sentences
and knows a lot of her colors and 8 shapes
(circle, square, rectangle, oval, triangle, star, heart, and hexagon).
She loves to perform for anyone that will listen.
Pink and purple are her favorite colors.
Oh my sweet girly, girl.
She is a joy and we are blessed to have her still in our lives.