"From the Shadows, Into the Glorious Sunshine": December 2013

Friday, December 20, 2013

WELCOME TO HOLLAND!

Our last long stay in the hospital was a rough one. It was hard to be there. The hospital was depressing, Evalette was sick, and I was missing home and our life as it once was. Many of you reached out to us. Thank you. I remember praying for deeper understanding, for strength, and for a renewed brightness of hope. The next day, I met a woman. She had noticed James and I with our four children and one on the way in the Kids Zone. She introduced herself and explained that we reminded her of her and her family 2 years ago when their journey started. We talked and learned that she was from the area as I had grown up at. Her kindness and friendship filled my heart with peace and she left me this poem. She just seemed to know without me saying much what I was going through. Thank you dear friend from the bottom of my heart. I am happy to be in Holland, even if Italy never comes! I am learning to enjoy the tulips, windmills, and other wonderful things along the way. Happy Holidays Everyone.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

ENOUGH...

This past weekend, I packed up Evalette's old baby clothes.
It was hard.
I cried.
A lot.
Many emotions and feelings surfaced with each shirt,
with each pair of pants,
with each outfit I had lovingly dressed her in.
I knew that I would never use those clothes again.
This little boy that is coming soon is our last.
Evalette will be our only girl.
I had desperately wanted another girl.
What if God had other plans for my only girl…
I thought I needed another one to buffer my fears of loss.
GUILT.
UGH. It hit me like a stone.
I should be happy to have this little, special boy.
I need him.
His sister needs him.
Our family needs him.
Little Enoch, I love you, but a little boy had just caught me by surprise.
A little girl was supposed to come to make up for what we had lost...
It seemed liked Evalette's baby hood had come and gone so quickly,
much spent in the hospital or with her sick for months before her diagnosis.
I had waited years for my baby girl to come to my family.
I knew she would.
Yet, I had been robbed of just her being my baby.
Cancer had stolen it away.
So I had had to share her with the doctors,
with the hospital,
with nasty chemo drugs,
and now it was gone.
It wasn't what I had planned,
it wasn't what I had wanted,
it wasn't what I had expected.
But life never is.
I had dreamed of life with my baby girl since I was a little girl.
And this wasn't the story…
this was a horrible version.
It felt good to let the emotions out.
To let the fears be released.
To let the unknown go
and realize that the time that I had had with her, my only baby girl,
and that whatever time I am given with her is enough.
For no matter what she is mine.
So whether I use the 2T clothes,
dress her in bows, frilly dresses, and leggings and
Whether I help her get used to braces,
get pedicures together,
teach her to read and write,
wave to her on her first day of school,
cry with her when she get her first pimple,
teach her what it means to be a woman,
listen to her stories of boys,
help find her dress for her first prom,
sit next to her as she learns to drive,
and watch her as she marries the man she loves.
No matter what she is mine.
Those things of this earth are great and all, but
whether or not they happen,
one thing is for sure, her and I are together forever.
So my one and only baby girl,
you are enough no matter what.
I will cherish our time together here on earth, whether short or long,
may it be long.
So I packed away the clothes.
Said goodbye to another girl.
And welcomed back in the baby boy clothes.
Boys we know how to do!!!
And there is something special about 4 momma's boys.
They are apart of me just as much as their sister.
Thank you Father for giving me so many wonderful children.
Tyrell, Jarom, Lance, Evalette, and Enoch
your mom loves you.
Truly you are my greatest blessings!!!

November Clinic

Evalette had an appointment with Dr. Wright in Salt Lake on the 22nd of Nov. Her CBC looked great!! Still in remission. Dr. Wright wants her to gain weight…we have been trying. She did gain 2 ounces!!! Evalette's appetite has increased a ton and she is eating more so hopefully we can get her to 20 pounds soon. She is 18.3 lbs and not on the charts for weight and 29.92 inches which puts her in the 4%tile for height. I thought she was tall for her age, but I guess I am wrong. The doctors are happy with her progress and so are we!!!

FALL FUN!!

We got family pictures with my family in October. Of course, I just happen to be pregnant. But what can you do? I think the pictures turned out great. I made sure to get some of Evalette as she missed her year pictures. It was cold out, but we all lived!

THANKFUL...

I can't let another day go by without saying all the many things I am thankful for.
Now where do I start….
1. My family- We were all together for thanksgiving. 8 months ago, I wasn't sure that was possible. For the holidays it seemed doomed that we would be apart, but because of miracles and blessings, we were together. Healthy and together.
2. Modern Medicine- because of quick intervention, good doctors, and advanced medicine, my daughter is alive today.
3. REMISSION- My daughter is cancer-free. Things are still unknown about the future, but for today, she is healthy, pure, and well.
4. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ- through them, I find peace. Through them comes miracles and blessings. From them, I understand love, peace, forgiveness, and that all is well. They are my rocks.
5. Wonderful friends and extended family- Because of you all, we made it through the last couple of months. Truly you will never know how grateful we truly are!!
6. For everything because this world is just a beautiful place!!!!

For thanksgiving we went up to a cabin we rented in Bear Lake. The weather was perfect, the entire family was there, and we had four wonderful days away. We played games, had a murder mystery, did white elephants gifts, visited Paris, Idaho, and just relaxed. What a great time. Evalette enjoyed getting away…and so did I!!!