The kids are asleep,
snoozing in their beds.
James fell asleep with them.
All is quiet.
All is peaceful.
I wasn't sure what to do with myself.
So...
I did the dishes,
vacuumed,
cleaned up the random toys,
and read a chapter of the book I am reading.
But inside I am anxious.
Something is nagging at me.
Could it be the upcoming birth of this little baby inside of me,
currently kicking my ribs…
all is not quiet there!
Yes, but it is more than that.
My mind is whirling.
I have been procrastinating blogging,
although thoughts, words, and
feeling that yearn to be written down keep going through my head.
I feel close to tears.
I have been afraid to let the feelings out.
It is painful,
it is scary,
it is a place I haven't wanted to go.
But since all is quiet and that is rare…
I guess this is my cue to let it go.
Evalette hasn't been feeling well.
She hasn't been her normal self.
She is crabby.
She is cranky.
She is a "little spitfire" as her daddy says.
It makes me sad.
Her appetite is close to non-existent.
She is pale.
She hasn't been sleeping well,
which is so unlike her.
She has a couple of bruises on her legs.
I know that she is walking now,
she is a toddler,
bruises are normal,
but the nagging of something more is still there.
I try not to worry.
I try not to think what if…
but lets face it, the thoughts linger in the back of my mind,
no matter how hard I try.
I can push them away for a while,
but sometimes when all is quiet,
and there is no hustle and bustle of having four little children around my legs,
like tonight,
my mind runs wild.
What if…
I don't even want to say it.
Deep breaths.
Center myself.
A few tears
And I push it away.
I thought it would be easier than this.
But letting go of my deepest fear, what if it comes back,
has been tricky.
It is smart, too smart.
It wants to hang on.
It wants to eat me up.
It wants to suffocate me.
And leave me in a hopeless place.
It is a constant battle, this fighting between us.
So tonight, I am embracing it.
I realized it is ok to feel scared.
To feel unsure.
To feel helplessness.
I can understand those feelings,
Embrace them, and then I give myself the key to letting go.
I can't let them go, until I completely accept them.
I am human for pity's sake.
But I hate to admit it.
Come on Danielle.
It is time.
Let go of the pride
and realize that strength isn't pushing it away, but accepting that it is there.
But "I am strong", isn't getting me anywhere.
It doesn't make the feelings go away.
I need help carrying the burden of "what if".
Deep breaths.
Center myself.
A few tears again.
And then more tears.
Ugh…this process isn't fun.
My little baby girl, you have been through so much.
I don't want any more pain for you.
My little family, you have all also been through so much.
I don't want any more uncertainty for you.
Tears blind my eyes,
my heart aches,
sadness creeps in…I embrace those feelings.
Just for a few minutes.
Deep breathes.
Center myself.
A few more tears of course.
Then I see her,
her smile,
the glow of her blue eyes sparkling with joy,
her dimple,
her growing hair,
her dancing to her favorite song,
her being happy.
So although she isn't herself right now,
I am reminded that my sweet Evalette is still there.
And my love is what she needs, even when she is a spitfire.
She will come back.
"What ifs" I have embraced you, now time to say goodbye.
It is time to love my baby.
To be present with her and help her while she is feeling low.
Whether you come back or not does change anything, as long as I live fully.
I won't let you rob me of that.
So I will pray for the best outcome possible.
That this is just a nasty sickness,
teething, and just part of growing up.
Little spitfire, keep fighting.
And I will fight with you.
Love you sweetheart.
Deep breaths,
center myself,
a few last tears,
and I feel better.
No matter what, the peace always comes.
And through every trial and after every heartache,
my loving Heavenly Father gives me that.
I know just like I want what is best and most happy for my daughter,
he wants the same for me.
He knows what is necessary to get me and my family there.
He is our ever loving Father,
our rock,
our solid place when the unknown presses down.
Once again, I should be in bed…
I seem to blog when I should be sleeping.
Maybe I can rest tonight.
But maybe I will take a nice bath instead...
I love this post…the author discusses how the misconception of "God won't give you more than you can handle" phrase really isn't true and I have long thought this same thing. God never promised us that. But he does promise us that he will succor us, help us through, and give us rest when we come to him. It is all about growth, trust, faith, and giving it all to him. Tough to do sometimes. But through our trials is where we grow and become more like him. A necessary process done with the greatest of love. And he never leaves us. I know that although he blessed me with the peace of knowing that Evalette is well (in remission) and will continue to do well that he is still there when I struggle with the natural man tendencies and waver in fear of the unknown, of what if the cancer comes back. He still loves me and helps me through my despair and brings those same feelings of peace to me once again. He truly is always there.
I love this part of her post,
"It never mentions anywhere in the scriptures that the Lord won’t give you more than you can handle. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 10:13 it speaks of Him giving us an escape from temptations so that it’s not too much to bear. But when it comes to pain, trials, heartache, and burdens– not once does it say it won’t be more than we can bear. Instead, it beautifully says this instead:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me…for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11: 28-30)
The words struck my heart, as you can imagine. Christ is speaking to those of us who are carrying burdens much too heavy for our own shoulders. And in that one verse he simply states the reason why we are given more than we can handle: It’s so we can come to him. It’s so we can trust him enough to hand over our heavy, crippling burdens and let him carry the load.
You might be heavy laden right now like I was before reading and re-reading and re-reading once again this scripture that has never stuck out to me as much as it has lately.
You might be shrunken with sadness or drowning in debt. You might be overwhelmingly angry at someone at church or aching under the pressures of raising children or maybe the inability to have them. You might be dealing with a terminal disease and you still have young children. And chances are–you might need your Redeemer to find you on the path and take up that heavy cross you’re dragging. Besides, even he tells us that he’s more equipped to carry it, so why not hand it over?
I’ve come to learn–slowly but surely–why I need Him.
I suppose it’s because of pride that I always thought I could just do things on my own. I’m strong, I’d say. I’m a tough cookie. I can help others through their tribulations while carrying mine all by myself. Well…wasn’t I wrong.
I didn’t really know what needing him meant until I had no other choice. I didn’t know what it meant until I wrapped my arms around my middle so I wouldn’t fall apart–or the time I choked on tears and yelled toward Heaven. Or the times when I was utterly alone, and the silence was too much to bear. Those are the times that taught me he’s not just a want or a convenient symbol of love or a reason to do good deeds.
No, he’s the very air we breathe.
And he’s the only one who can make it bearable when life is simply anything but."
http://lemmonythings.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/
And I couldn't have said it any better. I pray that all of you in what ever trial you are in, can know and feel him.
We all need him.
And he is there for us.
Love to you all.
Thanks for listening to my trials.
And may we all remember
"He's the very air we breathe,
And he is the only one who can make it bearable when life is simply, but."
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