REFLECTIONS

I really should be in bed but…
for days this post has wondered through my head.
Begging to be written,
asking to be heard.
So before this last day of 2013 passes, I want it to be written.

As I think about 2013- so much comes to mind.
LIGHT,
LAUGHTER,
SADNESS,
CONFUSION,
CANCER,
DOCTORS,
HOSPITALS,
MEDS,
NURSES,
FAMILY,
FRIENDS,
PEACE,
MIRACLES,
BABY SURPRISE,
LOVE,
HAPPINESS,
REMISSION,
LIFE,
and GRATITUDE.
It was one busy year.
It started out with a year full of our dreams…
the dreams we thought would get us where we needed to go,
but GOD had different plans.
James was taking a few classes before entering his PH-D program,
I was in night school working toward my massage therapy degree
and being a full-time mom,
Tyrell was in school,
Jarom in preschool,
and my two youngest were my shadows at home.
I wasn't prepared for March 2013.
CANCER.
MY BABY GIRL.
The feelings of that day- March 27th will forever be etched in my memory.
It was so painful, I tried not to feel.
But I remember crying and crying and crying.
The tears wouldn't stop.
I couldn't do anything for my baby.
I felt so alone.
A vicious monster of a disease had snuck up on us,
taken over my daughter's precious, beautiful, innocent body, and
was attacking and winning.
How had my life suddenly changed so drastically?
Everything was so different with one simple word- CANCER.
So our life changed.
I quit school.
I lived at the hospital with Evalette for the majority of 8 months, with small breaks here and there.
Our beloved boys were taken care of by loving aunts and grandma, who watched over them, loved them, took them to school, helped them understand, and know that they were loved always.
Daddy worked and still went to school.
He took care of the boys at night.
Then in July, we found out a precious baby would be arriving next February.
Another surprise, but one I could handle.
Certainly this was not the 2013 year I had planned.
But from our crazy year of 2013, I learned so much that I would never change what happened.
Although I would never of asked for my baby girl to have cancer, to have to endure so much pain, sickness, and confusion; I know now that I would not change it.
CANCER was a blessing, I never thought I'd understand.
But yet here we are-
happy, whole, together, and blessed.
I am filled with love, understanding, and thankfulness.
After I got home in September, after Evalette's last inpatient stay, our life was different.
More slow paced, more focused on Christ and God, more focused on the simple things of life.
I decided to homeschool.
Something I never thought I would do.
What a blessing for our family it has been.
The boys get along better,
we aren't in the car all day running from here to there,
we learn together,
I teach my children and they teach me.
We learn of God every hour, in every study, and in everything around us.
We have tuned our the things of the world as best as we can- not as much movies or TV,
less time on the WII and other electronics, less time away from each other, and more focus on time together.
Gratitude is a daily thing in our prayers, our words, and actions.
The boys never go a day without thanking God or someone for the things they do or give us.
Life has new meaning.
We want to live better,
we want to be better,
we want to help more,
we want to be more aware of others around us.
We have grown from 2013.
Not from the 2013 I had planned, but from the 2013 God had prepared for us.
2013 was certainly a year of growth, new experiences, trials to overcome, and refining of our family.
And more tears then I have ever cried.
And now looking back, I know...
God never left us.
He wanted to give us the blessing of understanding how to completely trust in him.
He wanted to bless my family with more love, compassion, understanding, and empathy for others.
He wanted to show us that he loves us more than we could possibly imagine.
He wanted our prayers of growth and submission to his will to be heard (just in ways I didn't ever imagine).
He wanted us to know that miracles still do happen.
He wanted us to know that he is over all.
He wanted us to know truly how blessed we are.
And CANCER was our gift, our blessing, our experience from HIM.
Through the tears, through the pain, through the confusion, he wept with us, but he knew what he was giving us in the end and what we are still learning.
So at this end of 2013, I thank him.
Although my heart still aches for all we went through and are still experiencing,
and although I pray that my daughter heals from the traumatic events that have happened at this tender age in her life,
I think I understand.
I think I know what God is trying to teach me;
To let go.
To let him in, completely.
I don't néed to plan it all out.
If I really want to do his will, to be like him, and to return to him someday, then I will let him take charge.
So this year, I am making no plans.
Well, a few.
We will welcome the 7th member of family into the world.
It will be a year of happiness, no matter what.
James will continue with school as long was that is what feels right.
We will spend as much time together as we can as a family.
And we will live fully;
by simplifying our life and living in the present as best we can.
Sometimes I run away with my dreams of the future (not that you can't dream),
but living presently is what brings happiness and joy.
And allows those wonderful dreams to happen since you are more present and will guided to act in the ways that will bring about what you truly desire.  You are ready to hear and see.  Thus you can act in ways that your dreams can be accomplished.
And I have some specific goals spiritually for our family, but
anyway, the rest of 2014 is up to God.
He is in charge.
And he truly knows best.
Happy 2014 everyone.
It will be a great year!
Now I really should be off to bed,
BUT I think I will make a nice cup of hot chocolate and soak in the bath…
it has been a long year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR from the most wonderful little PRINCESS WARRIOR.
She truly is my inspiration.
She teaches me about love, God, and life everyday.
Love you Evalette!























































































And from all my wonderful children.
What joys they are!

***I know that I write a lot about God, his love, the miracles we have had, and what we have learned, but when Evalette's life was spared, I knew I was to write about the power of God and his hand in our life.  It is part of Evalette's mission here on earth to remind those who will listen that God still a God of miracles.  That he loves us.  I am her voice and his.  Sorry it is redundant.  But I just write what comes. More than anything it brings healing to me. Love you all!