A BAD DREAM...

You know the type of dreams that you suddenly wake up from…
the kind that brings your body to a cold sweat,
that has you breathing hard, and
that leaves a feeling of fear deep inside of you.
A BAD DREAM.
But sometimes you wake up and although you feel the fear,
you simply can't remember the dream…although you know isn't wasn't good.
This last year was that kind of a BAD DREAM.

On the morning of March 27th, 2013,
exactly one year ago,
I woke up thinking life would be the same.
But it was the day the BAD DREAM started.
Never in my life did I think that one of my children
would have to endure such a hard thing as cancer.
It rocked our world.
And sent my body into a whirlwind of emotion-
fear, confusion, and anxiety.
And physically I was sick-
shaking, cold sweat, and oh how I was going to throw up.
I was so sick inside.

I remember thinking that night,
that first night in the Intensive Care Unit,
IF ONLY IT WAS JUST A BAD DREAM…
please let me wake up…
please let her wake up…
please, please, please.
I plead it over and over again as I prayed.
It was that first night that the BAD DREAM started,
that I was blessed to feel some peace.
The fear, anxiety, confusion, questions, and physical ailments
still were there, but their presence wasn't as pressing.
I felt stronger, more peaceful,
and sense of greater understanding was finding a place in my wounded heart.
My Heavenly Father didn't leave me in my BAD DREAM alone,
he was right there from the very start sending me his love, his peace, his eternal understanding.
I just had to be open to it.

Slowly throughout the continuing months, the BAD DREAM started to fade.
Things were going to be ok.
Yes, my daughter was experiencing hard, painful things,
yes, I was experiencing hard, painful things, and
yes my entire family was experiencing hard, painful things,
BUT the BAD DREAM didn't over take us.
We were waking up and moving on,
even if we had to take some of the BAD DREAM with us.
We were seriously given "strength" beyond our own.
We were waking up and replacing the deep cold fear with faith,
the confusion with greater understanding,
and the "why me's" we realized weren't worth asking.

AND slowly without us ever realizing it,
the BAD DREAM has suddenly become more a thing of the past.
It is still apart of our lives.
We certainly aren't who we used to be.
But the worst and hardest part of the BAD DREAM is over.
We made it!!!
And now we have awoken to greater things
BECAUSE we experienced the BAD DREAM.

And although I still experience fear and
the BAD DREAM still shows it's ugly face here and there.
Such as today, when I about had an anxiety attack because Evalette was cranky,
a little warm, and not herself; which could mean relapse.
I have to remind myself that we made it through so many hard things already,
we can do anything required of us.
So I push the BAD DREAM back to its allotted closet corner of my mind.
And shut the door.
I don't have to live in the BAD DREAM, even if it is still here.

We choose to live in light, faith, and hope of a bright future.
Simply because life is better that way
and then we can live fully.

So here is to the mark of one full year since the BAD DREAM began….
heres to counting down many more.
And heres to the continuation of the BAD DREAM
fading more and more from our memory and
only leaving us with more faith, hope, and belief that
NO MATTER WHAT we can do hard things
and that BAD DREAMS can become GOOD DREAMS!

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: BUT BE OF GOOD CHEER; I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  
John 14:27

One year ago...

Tomorrow is the year mark of Evalette's diagnosis…here a recap of her last year.


Hi,

I am Evalette Rose…

And this month I turn 2 (April 2nd)!

I have four brothers… Tyrell (7), Jarom (5), Lance (3), and baby Enoch (6 weeks). And of course a mommy and a daddy! We are a HAPPY family!

Mommy says that she waited a long time for me…her first little girl. Guess you could say that I am "the little princess" of the family.  

I love to be "girly", which makes my mom very happy and makes my daddy smile.  

I love to dress up, wear headbands and bows, to twirl until I fall down, blow kisses, and rock my babies to sleep.  

Singing is also a favorite thing of mine.  

I am always carrying around a book or two…reading is very important.  

My "meme" (Minnie)  and "meke" (Mickey) stuffed animals are my absolute favorites.

Mommy thinks I am a bit obsessed but I just love them!

Just ask my brother Lance, he gets a severe tongue lashing from me any time he runs off with them.

I have a Minnie outfit that I love to dress up in.  

Mickey's clubhouse is my favorite cartoon.  

Frozen is my favorite movie by far.  I can sing "Let It Go" for you any time you ask.  

I love to perform! 

 I am a pretty happy, sweet, energetic, go lucky little girl. 

But I also have cancer.  

That part isn't so fun!

March 2013 was a pretty rough month for me.  

I was sick, really sick.

Mommy was worried.

I saw a doctor for four straight days until they sent me to the hospital for dehydration.

They did labs and X-rays.  

The results forever changed my life. 

On March 27th, 2013, I was diagnosed with high risk T-cell 

Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, 

aka cancer of the blood.  

Mine specific type of cancer was rare for a baby my age…I was only 11 months old.

I was life lighted to Primary Children's Hospital where a specialized team of Oncologists and other doctors worked to get me stabilized.  

My mom rode with me.  

I cried…I wasn't sure what was going on. 

The first few days, I was in critical condition. 

But my wonderful doctors stabilized me and my long journey of  cancer treatments (2 years total) began…

FIRST, I had surgery to get a port placed in my chest.  This way, I didn't have to get an IV every time I had chemotherapy or other medicines given to me.  

My first 30 days of treatment were intense.  Chemotherapy and high dose steroids were my constant friends.  I didn't feel good, I missed home, but I hung in there.  

During my first week in the hospital, I celebrated my 1st birthday.  I did get a cake, but I didn't want to eat it.  That day I was especially not feeling good.  

Because I was so immunosurpressed from the chemotherapy my brothers couldn't come see me.  My mom and I stayed at the hospital while daddy and my brothers were at home.

It was rough… I missed my family and they missed me!

In May, we found out that I was in REMISSION! Such great news…mommy cried! 

But my heavy cancer treatment still continued so that we could make sure the cancer didn't come back since I was so HIGH-RISK.  I would be getting treatment for 2 whole years!

I spent the all summer in the hospital.  

The high doses of steroids made me gain weight and really cranky!!

 My life became a sterile place of my hospital room, nurses, doctors, masks, gloves, chemo, medicines, and vitals all day long.  

I was becoming a doctor myself!!!

 Occasionally, I got a little break and got to go home for a couple of days. 

I loved to see my brothers, jump on the trampoline, be with my dad, go on bike rides, eat chocolate, and rest.  

 The chemotherapy made me really sick.  I lost my appetite and was losing weight.  So I had to get an NG tube.  I hated it.  It felt so weird!

 But I started to do better.  

When I started to lose my hair, mom cried again.  My brothers thought my shiny head was cool!!! I didn't notice too much.

 The last long inpatient phase of chemotherapy made me the most sick.  Mom cried again as she watched me go through a lot of pain.  My poor body was tired.  But still I was happy most of the time and flashed every a smile when anyone came into my room!

 In October of 2013, it was decided that I needed a break from the treatments.  Mommy was nervous that with coming cold winter months, which meant lots of sicknesses, I would be worse off with no immune system from all my cancer treatments.  We got the ok to take a break. Meaning that I go in every month to Primary Children's Hospital instead of extended stays!! 

So I was home for Halloween!!!

 And Thanksgiving and Christmas, which was so fun!!!  With the break in my chemotherapy, my hair started to grow back and it hasn't stop yet!!!

Just before my diagnosis I had just started taking steps.  Due to all the steroids which make your bones hurt, I refused to walk or to put pressure on my legs.  Mommy was afraid I would never walk! 

But in Nov, I finally started to walk after physical therapy and constant help from my family.

It was an exciting day!!!

 I have been inside and away from people all winter.  My brothers keep me entertained and I am happy to be home with my family for now.  

My mommy and daddy pray everyday that I stay in remission and that God heals me from cancer.
The doctors tell us that we will not know if I am 'cured' for 5 years.

Mommy says that I am fighter and daddy says that I can do anything!!

I have decided that no matter what I like being happy!!!
Thank you to my great doctors and nurses.
And a special thanks to family, neighbors, and friends that helped my family while mommy and I were away!

It is great to be ALIVE!

TONIGHT...

One thing I miss about being at the hospital

(well I don't know if miss is the right word, 

but you get my gist)

is rocking and holding my baby girl.

We would rock for hours.

I would sing to her, 

rub her head,

rock her to sleep, and soothe her achy body.

Those are precious memories.

Time stood still in those moments.

There was no other distractions,

other then an occasional beep of the machines,

and vitals that needed to be done.  

We were alone, given the time to just be together.

It was sacred.

It was magical. 

I didn't feel like I needed to make dinner,

do dishes,

help with this, 

or get this done.

My baby girl needed me.  

Nothing else mattered.

We were separated from the busyness of the world 

and the responsibilites of normal life.  

A special blessings at a stressful time.

We bonded.

We connected.

And I have missed that.

Now that we haven't been inpatient at the hospital for a while, 

life has come back full force.

School,

church responsibilities,

cooking, 

cleaning,

baths,

taking care of four young children, 

being pregnant,

daily responsibilities,

family functions, and such.

All good and necessary things, but distractions from our quiet time together.

Sometimes I forget to slow down and let those things go

and focus on the best things in life, my children.

I miss that time we had together.

The time I was forced to take in a way, but so grateful for as I look back.

Tonight, my sweetie needed me.

I sat in her rocking chair in her room,

she climbed up on my lap.

""b" "b", she cried.  I knew what she wanted…her blankets.

So I scooped them up.

She laid her head into my chest,

ear over my beating heart, 

stretched out over my watermelon of a belly,

and relaxed.

And I sang her songs,

and I rubbed her head,

and I soothed her achy body.

I was supposed to be making dinner,

I was supposed to be calling the doctor to change an appointment, 

I was supposed to be doing something!

But I didn't care. 

This is what I needed and wanted to do.

Her eyes got heavy,

they closed, and her breathing slowed down.

She slept in my arms.

She was so perfect.

Short, straight spiky hair, an ashy color now instead of dark brown, 

a gift from the chemo, but still so beautiful.

Red lips and long eyelashes that have grown in beautifully.

Dressed in her favorite Minnie sweater and pink pants with little bows.

So her.  

"Pretty" as she loves to say.  

And the best part is that

her door was open a crack,

and I could hear laughing coming from the living room.

Wrestling, scrambling, a couple of bangs.

Her brothers were alive and well. 

We were home.  

It wasn't the hum of machines we could hear, but the rest of our loved ones around us.

We are truly blessed. 

This is what she needed today.

This is what I needed today. 

A rock and a snuggle in our chair.

A reminder that life is as simple and sweet as we choose it to be.

Get feeling better, baby girl.  

Mommy loves you.