ENOUGH...

This past weekend, I packed up Evalette's old baby clothes.
It was hard.
I cried.
A lot.
Many emotions and feelings surfaced with each shirt,
with each pair of pants,
with each outfit I had lovingly dressed her in.
I knew that I would never use those clothes again.
This little boy that is coming soon is our last.
Evalette will be our only girl.
I had desperately wanted another girl.
What if God had other plans for my only girl…
I thought I needed another one to buffer my fears of loss.
GUILT.
UGH.  It hit me like a stone.
I should be happy to have this little, special boy.
I need him.
His sister needs him.
Our family needs him.
Little Enoch, I love you, but a little boy had just caught me by surprise.
A little girl was supposed to come to make up for what we had lost...
It seemed liked Evalette's baby hood had come and gone so quickly,
much spent in the hospital or with her sick for months before her diagnosis.
I had waited years for my baby girl to come to my family.
I knew she would.
Yet, I had been robbed of just her being my baby.
Cancer had stolen it away.
So I had had to share her with the doctors,
with the hospital,
with nasty chemo drugs,
and now it was gone.
It wasn't what I had planned,
it wasn't what I had wanted,
it wasn't what I had expected.
But life never is.
I had dreamed of life with my baby girl since I was a little girl.
And this wasn't the story…
this was a horrible version.
It felt good to let the emotions out.
To let the fears be released.
To let the unknown go
and realize that the time that I had had with her, my only baby girl,
and that whatever time I am given with her is enough.
For no matter what she is mine.
So whether I use the 2T clothes,
dress her in bows, frilly dresses, and leggings and
Whether I help her get used to braces,
get pedicures together,
teach her to read and write,
wave to her on her first day of school,
cry with her when she get her first pimple,
teach her what it means to be a woman,
listen to her stories of boys,
help find her dress for her first prom,
sit next to her as she learns to drive,
and watch her as she marries the man she loves.
No matter what she is mine.
Those things of this earth are great and all, but
whether or not they happen,
one thing is for sure, her and I are together forever.
So my one and only baby girl,
you are enough no matter what.
I will cherish our time together here on earth, whether short or long,
may it be long.
So I packed away the clothes.
Said goodbye to another girl.
And welcomed back in the baby boy clothes.
Boys we know how to do!!!
And there is something special about 4 momma's boys.
They are apart of me just as much as their sister.
Thank you Father for giving me so many wonderful children.
Tyrell, Jarom, Lance, Evalette, and Enoch
your mom loves you.
Truly you are my greatest blessings!!!

November Clinic

Evalette had an appointment with Dr. Wright in Salt Lake on the 22nd of Nov.  Her CBC looked great!! Still in remission.  Dr. Wright wants her to gain weight…we have been trying.  She did gain 2 ounces!!! Evalette's appetite has increased a ton and she is eating more so hopefully we can get her to 20 pounds soon.  She is 18.3 lbs and not on the charts for weight and 29.92 inches which puts her in the 4%tile for height.  I thought she was tall for her age, but I guess I am wrong.  The doctors are happy with her progress and so are we!!!  

FALL FUN!!

We got family pictures with my family in October.  Of course, I just happen to be pregnant.  But what can you do?  I think the pictures turned out great.  I made sure to get some of Evalette as she missed her year pictures.  It was cold out, but we all lived!

THANKFUL...

I can't let another day go by without saying all the many things I am thankful for.
Now where do I start….
1. My family- We were all together for thanksgiving.  8 months ago, I wasn't sure that was possible.  For the holidays it seemed doomed that we would be apart, but because of miracles and blessings, we were together.  Healthy and together.
2. Modern Medicine- because of quick intervention, good doctors, and advanced medicine, my daughter is alive today.
3. REMISSION- My daughter is cancer-free.  Things are still unknown about the future, but for today, she is healthy, pure, and well.
4. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ- through them, I find peace.  Through them comes miracles and blessings.  From them, I understand love, peace, forgiveness, and that all is well.  They are my rocks.
5. Wonderful friends and extended family- Because of you all, we made it through the last couple of months.  Truly you will never know how grateful we truly are!!
6. For everything because this world is just a beautiful place!!!!

For thanksgiving we went up to a cabin we rented in Bear Lake.  The weather was perfect, the entire family was there, and we had four wonderful days away.  We played games, had a murder mystery, did white elephants gifts, visited Paris, Idaho, and just relaxed.  What a great time.  Evalette enjoyed getting away…and so did I!!!

HAIR!

I am excited say that Evalette's hair is finally growing back.

Now that she is off high dose chemo, her hair is coming back in!

It is dark and gorgeous!!

She was beautiful bald, but I can't wait to have her hair back.

Her eyelashes are coming back in- dark, long, and thick.

I love her dark head!!!

She modeled for me today.

She wanted to get dressed in her fluffy skirt and favorite black shoes.

She kept saying, "Pretty!"

I adore her.

And I adore that she loves to dress up just as much as me!!

Yeah for hair!!!

*Thanks Aunt Anita and Nikki for her princess skirt

*Thanks Krystle for her outfit underneath…I think she looks amazing in that bright yellow. It matches her sparkly, bright personality!!!

So Loved...

Wednesdays are the days that Tyrell and Jarom go off to a charter school.
They enjoy a variety of subjects and activities; tumbling, spanish, art, music theater, karate, and more.
The rest of the week, they are home schooled.
It is a schedule that we all love.
I love having my boys around the majority of the time;
teaching them,
spending time with them,
doing fun things that I would miss out on if they were in public school full time.
But Wednesdays, are good for us too.
Free time for us all.
As I kissed my Jarom boys cheeks today, early this morning right before school
and whispered some goodbye words in his little ear,
his arms came around me.
"Oh mom, but I will miss Evalette so much!"
What?
That was not the response I was expecting…no missing momma?
These boys adore their sister.
Seriously.
This little girl is one adored and loved girl.
Tyrell gives her kisses all day long.
Jarom snuggles her and gets her everything she needs.
And Lance runs around, saying, "Gaga Rose".
He has called her, "Gaga" since the day she was born;
even though he can say her real name.
Now it has become some sort of nickname that we use…Gaga.
Our sweet loved little girl.
Not to mention that she has her daddy wrapped around her finger.

Miss Gaga Rose, we adore you.
Just wanted you to know that you are more than loved!!!

In Answer...

Our Miss Evalette is doing great. 

We had clinic on Friday the 26th.

Her labs look great.

Her counts are up.

But immune system is still not up to par.

Not a surprise after months and months of hard chemo.

All to be expected.

She is still cancer-free!!!

She was a champ and was a sweetheart.

She napped in my arms during our wait.

I was in heaven.

My baby is growing way too fast.

I haven't had a chance to rock her to sleep 

since our last stay at the hospital.

The doctors are happy with how things are going.

Not going to lie, I have some things I am bursting to share.

But feel hesitant to do so.

These experiences, these feelings are so close to my heart.

But I feel compelled to share. 

Just not sure how yet.

We made some big decisions with God as our guide.

On Friday, the 26th, it was all finalized.

Feeling confident, grateful, and happy about that.

I will share soon as this blog was created to share 

stories of miracles, God's never ending love, and the journey of our family's experience with cancer.

But until I can get it on record

know that our warrior princess is fighting still.

She is healthy and well.

She is whole.

Thank you for all your continued prayers.

She feels them.

I feel them.

And they are answered.

Much Love!!