ENOUGH...

This past weekend, I packed up Evalette's old baby clothes.
It was hard.
I cried.
A lot.
Many emotions and feelings surfaced with each shirt,
with each pair of pants,
with each outfit I had lovingly dressed her in.
I knew that I would never use those clothes again.
This little boy that is coming soon is our last.
Evalette will be our only girl.
I had desperately wanted another girl.
What if God had other plans for my only girl…
I thought I needed another one to buffer my fears of loss.
GUILT.
UGH.  It hit me like a stone.
I should be happy to have this little, special boy.
I need him.
His sister needs him.
Our family needs him.
Little Enoch, I love you, but a little boy had just caught me by surprise.
A little girl was supposed to come to make up for what we had lost...
It seemed liked Evalette's baby hood had come and gone so quickly,
much spent in the hospital or with her sick for months before her diagnosis.
I had waited years for my baby girl to come to my family.
I knew she would.
Yet, I had been robbed of just her being my baby.
Cancer had stolen it away.
So I had had to share her with the doctors,
with the hospital,
with nasty chemo drugs,
and now it was gone.
It wasn't what I had planned,
it wasn't what I had wanted,
it wasn't what I had expected.
But life never is.
I had dreamed of life with my baby girl since I was a little girl.
And this wasn't the story…
this was a horrible version.
It felt good to let the emotions out.
To let the fears be released.
To let the unknown go
and realize that the time that I had had with her, my only baby girl,
and that whatever time I am given with her is enough.
For no matter what she is mine.
So whether I use the 2T clothes,
dress her in bows, frilly dresses, and leggings and
Whether I help her get used to braces,
get pedicures together,
teach her to read and write,
wave to her on her first day of school,
cry with her when she get her first pimple,
teach her what it means to be a woman,
listen to her stories of boys,
help find her dress for her first prom,
sit next to her as she learns to drive,
and watch her as she marries the man she loves.
No matter what she is mine.
Those things of this earth are great and all, but
whether or not they happen,
one thing is for sure, her and I are together forever.
So my one and only baby girl,
you are enough no matter what.
I will cherish our time together here on earth, whether short or long,
may it be long.
So I packed away the clothes.
Said goodbye to another girl.
And welcomed back in the baby boy clothes.
Boys we know how to do!!!
And there is something special about 4 momma's boys.
They are apart of me just as much as their sister.
Thank you Father for giving me so many wonderful children.
Tyrell, Jarom, Lance, Evalette, and Enoch
your mom loves you.
Truly you are my greatest blessings!!!