Love Momma

Dear Precious Evalette-
Today I am feeling sad.
You  haven't been yourself lately.
When you are awake you are grumpy, whine, cry, and want to be held all the time.
You won't let your brothers come near you.
That is hard.
You are also especially tired.
You have been taking three naps a day.
That worries me a bit.
I don't blame you for being grumpy.
Your little body is going through so much.
That is why I am sad.

You should be running with Lance.
You two should be into mischief together.
Two peas in a pod.
But instead you refuse to walk.
You won't even try.
You cry or say "owe" when we stand you up on your legs.
Chemo and steroids do that.
Bone and muscle aches are normal they say.
I say they are not.
Side effects yes, but normal no.
They say not to push you and I don't.
I don't want to cause you more pain,
but still I long to see the day when you run,
when you walk beside me hand in hand,
and to hear the pitter pat of your tiny steps.
I want you to experience life fully,
but it seems like lately you are somewhere else.
The boys and I were looking at old pictures today.
They love to see their baby pictures.
I flipped through the day you were born,

then your newborn days-
such a beautiful baby,

first smiles....yours was the best,

Your first trip...lucky you, you went to Mexico ( 5 months old)

































then your first bite of food,

































then onto crawling,















And sitting up,






































Your first Valentines Day,

 And finally standing and attempting to walk.
Your hair was growing and soon you would be 1!
Just one week before you were diagnosed with cancer.

In every picture, you shined.
You smiled and glowed.
It hurt to look.
I miss you Baby Girl.
I know you are still there, but I long for my Miss Happy to come back.
Tonight, I held you.
Rocked you and rocked you.
I tried to rock our pain away,
yours physical,
mine emotional and mental.
Tears came from me of course
and they came hard.
Maybe we could hide.
Maybe we could run away.
Maybe they would just leave us alone
and maybe we would not have to poison your body ever again.
Lets pretend.
Lets hide away for a bit.
Collect ourselves and then come back again.
I sang primary songs
and you feel asleep in my lap.
I know the treatments are meant for good.
But it is so hard to see what they do to you.
The cancer is gone from your tiny body,
but in fear of some possible future relapse we must continue on.
Continue to make you suffer,
continue to poison your body,
then let it break down,
slowly recover, and
then do it all over again.
Two years.
4 months down...many to go.
My strong girl...we will be ok.
I feel better now.
Better to let feelings out,
then keep them in.
We are safe,
we are strong,
and angels surround us in our valiant quest.
God is with us,
our constant guide,
and ever loving father.
Truly he has blessed us with endless miracles and love.
You have taught me so much, my daughter.
Thank you.
Push on, baby girl.
Push hard...we all love you.
Fight and conquer.
Soon we will run,
play, and
look back on past days thanking God for all we learned.
I will be here to hold you for as long as you need.

Shine on, Baby Girl.
Shine on.
Love and Light,
Momma